As for weapons: Silver rapiers. Fight should last about 3 seconds, in favor of LeStat. Then Blade rolls up and has a proper swashbuckling duel with Lestat, before eventually getting tired of the fight and pulling out his guns. Blade smokes Lestat then bitch slaps Bella on principle. Hollywood makes it into a summer blockbuster and makes millions, and everybody wins!
However, I think I can do a little better…
Edward, tired of being called a pussy and made fun of for being the prettiest sparkling vampire, finally decided to do something about it. He tracked down the Vampire Lestat, and arranged a meeting. Edward knew that the only way he would ever get any respect in this world was for him to beat down one of the big guns in the underworld. So, Edward planed on challenging Lestat to a duel for the affections of all the little vampire goth girls across the country…
Lestat met with Edward just before Dawn, and sure enough, Edward challenged the Vampire Lestat to a duel. Lestat, more for wanting something to do than anything else, accepted this duel gladly. As the vampire being challenged, Lestat had the honor of choosing the weapons of the duel, and true to his foppish roots, he immediately went for his trusty rapier. He provided a similar weapon to Edward, laughing to himself as he watched Edward try to figure out which was the pointy end. The duel ended almost before it began, as Lestat easily disarmed Edward, before dis-ARM-ing him…
Watching from the shadows, he saw his chance. As Lestat was busy laughing at Edward's best impersonation of the Monty Python Black Knight, Blade dropped out of the shadows, sword drawn, and intercepted Lestat's next strike. Blade was a little surprised at how skilled with the sword Lestat was, but this didn't overly concern him. That just made it interesting. The duel raged on for almost half an hour, with Lestat having managed to score more than a couple of glancing hits on Blade. Finally, tired of the game, Blade said 'Fuck this! Hey asshole! Welcome to the 21st century!', pulling out his fully automatic hand cannon and filling Lestat full of silver hollow points.
Selene walked in just in time to see Lestat's end. She was distraught over her recent breakup with that two-timing half-vampire/half-werewolf Corvin. It was all for the best though, he always wound up smelling like wet dog… She had hoped to blow off a little steam with Lestat (that little man-whore was always good for a roll in the hay) so the scene she walked in on was a bit of a surprise. As Blade began to move towards her, sword drawn, Selene politely asked him what he was doing. 'Killing vampires, obviously!', replied Blade. 'Oh', said Selene… 'Don't let me get in your way, I was just passing through'. She casually walked through an errant sunbeam of early dawn light peeking in from the nearby window, to prove to Blade that she was no ordinary Vampire. 'Fancy a cup of coffee when you're done?', she asked him.
Bella got there just after Blade and Selene left. She saw the carnage in the room before finally laying eyes on Edward's armless torso writhing around on the ground in the shadows at the far side of the room. Grief stricken and consumed by sadness, she ran over to Edward and began crying like a little bitch. She began fumbling with his limbs, trying uselessly to reattach them to Edward, who had managed to slump himself against the wall. As Bella broke down into another round of sobbing, Edward suddenly got a panic stricken look on his (paler than normal) sparkling face… Bella turned around and saw Blade and Selene standing in the doorway, laughing at them!
"What, you fuckers didn't think we forgot about you, did you?" Both Blade and Selene raised their respective handguns and proceeded to fill Edward and Bella with so much lead you could use them for a pencil! Laughing, they turned and left. "You know, I know some folks in Hollywood… I bet we could make a mint with this. I wonder if Michael Bay is available…", Selene said as they walked off into the sunlight…
And that… is how Twilight should have ended.
No comments:
Post a Comment